firstpersonpresenttense

Today is September 11 and like everyone else I know, I am remembering where I was when I first heard about the terrorist attacks, what I was doing and thinking.  Most of all, I’m remembering the feeling of September 11.  That something extremely bad had happened.  That I didn’t know if what was ahead might be even worse.  That my feeling of general safety had been shaken to the core.

A terrorist attack is, of course, a catastrophic event, and other life experiences happen on a different plane.  But as I was reflecting on my adjustment to being a single mom, and to the uncoupling that’s been part of my process of becoming a single mom, I was struck by how how some of the same feelings came up for me, especially during the massively unsettling earliest days of being alone. 

Something extremely bad has happened.  I don’t know if what’s ahead is going to be even worse.  I don’t feel as safe in my day-to-day life anymore.

There are people who choose the path of single motherhood.  Even for those individuals, it can be one of the toughest jobs around.  But what if you’re single because your beloved partner died, or because the relationship that you hoped would last disintegrated?  When you’re a single mother who didn’t want to be a single mother, there is a tendency to feel victimized and powerless.  You didn’t sign on for this, so why are you having to go through it?  Scariest of all, it can strike at the heart of your feelings of competency about caring for and protecting your child(ren).  How can you protect the ones you love the most when everything can go so horribly and ineplicably awry?

For me, finding hope in the face of such circumstances is often a matter of conscious effort.  For instance, I have to ask myself where I am choosing to focus my attention.  Am I relishing the supportive call from my friend, or am I dwelling on how hard it is to make ends meet financially when you’re single?  Am I noticing the way it feels when my daughter hugs me before bedtime, or am I ruminating on my ex’s angry words?  I have learned that when coping with changes that you didn’t necessarily want, I do have some power with regards to my own thinking.

Sometimes it’s hard to understand why the really tough things in life happen.  Sometimes it’s about having faith that things can get better, even if you can’t quite imagine how.  May you find comfort in knowing that many other people are on a similar path.  You are not alone.  Sometimes from the worst situations come the most beautiful examples of the best parts of humanity.  But you must have open eyes and an open mind to see them.  Wishing you those, and wishing you peace on this important and difficult day.

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